Saying Goodbye, Part 2

It's been almost two weeks since we laid Holden to rest. Now that we are back home in San Diego and I have a moment for myself, I will write. Sunday, August 7th we all woke up knowing that today is the day. The day we forever say goodbye, the day his absence is real, the day we've all been trying to forget was fast approaching. Our family decided we would not wear black, nor ask the attendees to wear black. Holden wasn't one for dressing up, in the 7 years I've known him I saw him dressed up once at our wedding and he made faces every step of the way! I drove with my mom, dad, brother and Naysa to the church while Benjamin rode with his brothers and sisters in a car the church had sent. We pulled up and I immediately felt sick. My heart was in my stomach and I could feel the blood drain from my face. I reluctantly walked inside and sat in the very back row. Family and friends lined up up to pay respects to the family and see Holden one last time since it was open casket, a slideshow of pictures and music played and as soon as I saw one of Ben, Holden and I in FL for spring break in 2007 I lost it. I went to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall until I could compose myself which didn't really matter because I started up again as soon as I went back out there and people were coming up to me with hugs and condolences. The crowd started to clear so I moved up to the reserved family area a few rows back from the front. I refused to see Holden lying in a box. That is not how I wanted to remember him. That was not him, not at all. He would have been making jokes and putting smiles on the faces of the sorrowful, yes, even at a funeral. That was just the amazing kind of guy he was :) Because I was only a few rows back I did see his forehead and instantly had to look away and close my eyes. I've never been good with sad things, hard things. I prefer to write my feelings and cry in private or with a close loved one. Being so vulnerable in public was new to me. Ben and our siblings took their seats in the front row so I joined him, thankfully the casket had already been closed. We had an opening prayer and then Ben took the stage. My heart broke watching him struggle to keep the tears hidden and say the beautiful things he did about his brother. Courtney and Jordan also spoke and they captured Holden so perfectly in just a few paragraphs. I know it couldn't have been easy and they probably wrote and rewrote the things they wanted to say without going on for hours. The service was a wonderful remembrance and celebration of his life. Afterwards we all gathered in the entry of the church and passed Naysa around. She was such a wonderful distraction for so many, including us. We all went back to the house, all 80 plus of us. I socialized for a few minutes then feeling awkward with the looming sadness I disappeared upstairs with my naybug. She is a very good listener :) We spent a few more days in South Carolina then drove to Georgia for the remainder to escape. All in all we had a nice visit, though the circumstances were not that of a typical homecoming.