Saying Goodbye, Part 1

With all of the thoughts, emotions and events of this weekend I decided to split this into two parts. Writing what I am about to will take its toll on me and reading is sure to take its toll on you, though that is not my intention. I start with good news, Naysa is a wonderful traveler! :) She slept on the way to and from the airport, a little on both planes and when she was awake she was happy and smiling. One person even commented "I didn't even know there was a baby sitting right there!" I guess being a world traveler from the womb paid off ;) We arrived to South Carolina Friday around midnight and to the house about 2:30 a.m where we were greeted by everyone, still awake! There was mixed emotions of happiness to see each other, everyone meeting Naysa for the first time and remembering the reason why we were gathered. I must admit, from the time we left San Diego until the moment we walked through the door I felt this invisible cloud of gloom lingering over me. We had been so far from the reality of this it just never seemed real. It still doesn't. Saturday was hard. It was so good to see everyone and hear of the love they already had for our daughter through pictures and stories yet there was sadness and grief beyond measurement in each smile, every forced laugh. Each time I was hugged or asked how I was doing it took all I had not to fall apart. I almost lost it in the morning before family arrived when Noah came out to the porch and asked Christina if the doctor could fix Holden's head. He was so hopeful and confused, I could feel the tears welling so I went inside while she was left explain that he was with God now and doctors can't always fix people. I made it through most of the day but as it went on and more people arrived I had to excuse myself into our borrowed room with a glass of wine. I sat on the bed, hung my head and cried. I cried for a beautiful life taken all too soon, I cried because I so selfishly want him back, I cried for what could have been...what SHOULD have been. I said a few things to him, prayed and pulled myself together. This is as far as I can bring myself to go tonight.