Uninvited Guest

  Days like these are rare and most unwelcome, yet they continue to shove their way in. Days where I've lost hope. I'm frustrated with Naysa, myself and the life we've been handed. It's not fair that at two years old my daughter has to struggle so hard to take a single scoot on her tummy, doesn't understand how to sit up on her own and cannot purposely speak a single word. It's heartbreaking to be in line behind a 10 month old who is walking and calling for their mother while my girl sits in the cart with an overly padded cart cover for support. I am jealous of parents with typical children and furious when I see them treated so poorly (this is a subject for a whole different post, we'll come back to this.) Yes, I am grateful for what she can do but that doesn't mean I never wish things were different. Don't tell me "Be thankful for what you have" because I am and you have no idea what it means to live this life. I want to know I am doing everything I can to give her the best chance and unfortunately the things I really believe would help her are beyond our reach financially. In my free time I am searching, reading and calling to find out what else I can do, who can help me heal my daughter. I'm exhausted in every way. Yet I wake up every morning and do it again because I am dedicated to my child, I am motivated when I see progress and I live to watch her thrive. Some days it just takes it toll, and today is one of those days. I have a headache from crying and only about 20 more minutes to get my shit together before Naysa wakes up from her nap. She picks up on the vibes of people and situations, she's not oblivious to feelings...she is in there. I am terrified she will one day realize the tears I randomly shed are for her, yet will relish in it when she asks "what's wrong mommy?"     ......I need some coffee.....