I've never been great at facing my emotions head on, even worse after receiving the Encephalocele diagnosis when I was pregnant with Naysa and everything that followed. I am Scarlet O'Hara and will forever Fiddle Dee Dee & think about it tomorrow. And so, I run. I distract myself with outings and adventures, books and movies, I do whatever I can do to avoid thinking, to avoid being alone with my thoughts. But then the night comes, doesn't it? The stillness, the quiet and I yearn for peace. I replay and rewind, I am ambushed by pangs of guilt and the deepest sorrow I hope you never know exists.
Today marks one month she's been gone and it feels like an eternity and like no time has passed at all. It is surreal and sickening. I look for signs, reminders, proof she is still with us. I fail at being a decent mother to her brothers, every day. I yell too much, I get irritated too quickly, I am completely touched out. It's hard to remember they are grieving too because I am so focused on the injustice of it all. My sweet, sensitive boys and my beautiful husband...I am so sorry. I am trying. I think I am, at least. It feels like it. Benjamin, more than once you've found me sobbing on the bathroom floor and I cannot put into words how comforting your embrace is and the way you push through your own tears to bring me comfort in the best way your broken heart knows how. I love you, more than you will ever know.
I have not a clue what this year holds for our family and it's so hard to find things to look forward to knowing she won't be apart of it.
This brings me to tears. I cannot imagine your heartache... you are grieving in the deepest way a human can. A mother grieving the loss of her baby is a pain no one can ever describe and I’m so sorry you are experiencing it. You cannot get past it and you cannot run from it. You just have to surrender to it. There is no end to that kind of grief. You can only try to Copenhagen one minute at a time... for the sake of your beautiful family....love and light to you and your broken heart mama
ReplyDeletehey momma she's with you in spirit I know it beyond sucks that you've not got her to hold & snuggle & only memories & photos to look at of her but they are going to be the biggest comfort & means of keeping her in the here & now until you get reunited with her at least.
ReplyDeleteHang in there as best as you can momma, You've got this ❤❤❤❤