Writing has always been healing for me. I am much better at expressing emotion through the written word rather than fumbling around with my speech. But this....this loss. I don't know if it will be healing, I'm not sure much of anything will at present.
Naysa Diane,
The world watched as we awaited your arrival March 22nd 2011. The excitement, anxiety, hope your dad and I had was felt by all who already loved you. At 9:22am you were here and our lives were changed forever, oh but we had NO idea just how much! From day one, you touched thousands of lives, you, this tiny 7lb 13oz (really, 6lb 11oz without the Encephalocele) won hearts the world over just by merely taking those first breaths at birth and defying absolutely everything and everyone.
You made me a mother, you challenged my views and turned me into an outspoken assertive mama bear. In your birth I was also born. I was made strong, powerful, relentless. In your death....I don't know who I am anymore, not yet. I am angry, I am sorrowful, I am irritable, my patience is paper thin. For almost 8 years I found my purpose in you. How can I mother your brothers when my heart is so brittle? They need my love and reassurance and all I can seem to do is snap at them. How do we navigate this life now without you in it? So many mornings I've had to catch myself from going back to your room, expecting to hear you yelling at me and clapping, seeing your smile and excitement when I grab a fresh diaper and start your feed. I want to hear your voice echo in pure delight as your brothers create chaos around you.
Well meaning people keep asking how we are, what they do can do for us, etc & I honestly do not have an answer. We are not okay. I'm not sure we ever will be again. Would you? We are permanently altered as individuals and a family.
I keep thinking this would be easier if we were prepared, but I know that's untrue. We've subconsciously been preparing for this since the day you were born, but always figured we would have time to say goodbye. That you would just get sick and we'd have a chance to gather family and friends to kiss you one last time. We'd be prepared, wouldn't we? NEVER did I think I would put you to bed one night and you would be gone. We had so many plans, so many trips, so many things we still wanted to do with and for you. That's the trouble, isn't it? We always think we have time.
Tomorrow will be two weeks. I carry so much guilt. I don't know how to do this.
Hugs and prayers to you!
ReplyDeleteLove, strength and prayers coming your way. You will get through this with the help of your boys. There is no set time for grieving. Naybug is an insperation and will always be remembered by the thousands of people whose lives she touched. Fly high Princess 💔 xxx
ReplyDeleteSending you so much love. Be kind to yourself xx
ReplyDeleteIf only there were magical words to stop or even ease the pain each of you are enduring. A pain that no one will ever know or understand, because it is your pain.
ReplyDeleteI will lift you up in my prayers as you figure out who you are without Naysa and how to get through each day. Allow yourself to take it one moment at a time and not all at once. May God bless you and your family and embrace you through this journey.
I so wish I could make it all better for you all, and magic her back for you, and take away your pain! I hate that you are going through this! Guilt is natural, but it doesn't mean it's validated. Based on all I have seen of you as a Mother, you have always been Naysa's mama bear, and fought for everything for her, I doubt you have anything to be guilty about that any other imperfect human loving Mother has to be guilty about! I could tell you not to feel guilty, but there's no point because you will regardless of what people say. But I hope for you that this lessens and becomes more bearable for you, and you learn to travel this path of grief with more skill and it becomes easier with time. Sending massive hugs to you hun, you are always in my thoughts xxx
ReplyDeleteomy isnt this so true. I think of the same often. Every single night I am sure to kiss all my kids but especially Breklynn. I do not like thinking about it and I can only hope she out lives me but we really dont know. Dont hold back,live hard and love harder. soo much love you!
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