Toes

              Wow...I didn't blog AT ALL in 2017! I really need to be better about this, but I know most of ya'll follow the current events through Nay's facebook page (A Naybug's Life)
Disclaimer, this isn't a Happy New Year, fun and exciting post.


   Something made me unexpectedly sad tonight. Something I've done so many times, so why it bothers me tonight...I don't know.

    I painted her toes. Her fat, incredibly soft and warm little toes. I'd like to say we got to do this the way most moms with 6 year old daughters do, with curlers in our hair and junk food surrounding us gossiping about her first grade class. Or maybe that's just what I imagine we would do, if we could.
But, alas...with a Nay, you must sneak into her room when she is in a good and deep REM and paint in the dark with a flashlight.

   I guess the reality hit me while I was hovered over her sweet smelling toes, with a flashlight in my mouth and the brush in hand, that this is how it will forever be. There will be no fun mommy-daughter trips to the salon to pamper those little tootsies in a spa pedi. There will be no gossip and junk food. There will be no curlers and robes.

  I'm just....sad, I guess. I honestly never really allow myself to feel this stuff when it comes to Naysa. I have to numb my heart and mind against it. If I sat and thought about all of special mother-daughter things we've missed out of the past 6 (almost 7!) years I'm not sure I would or could recover.

   I wanted to take her out yesterday, just her and I, to go do something, but the ramp in my van decided it's not going to work anymore! So that's fun.

    I need to cut this short so I can cut these emotions off too before they become overwhelming.
    I truly hope this year is positive for us, for you, for our planet. We need that. We need a win.

                                                Happy New Year, beautiful humans <3