At a loss...

For words, emotions, everything. I feel numb yet the tears continue to find their way down my cheeks. How could this have happened, WHY did it happen!?!? Ben and I were brushing our teeth just before last night around 11pm. We were deliriously tired and being silly in the bathroom. Ben checked his phone and noticed he had a missed call from an unrecognizable number so he called back and got a voice mail. A few minutes later the phone rang again and it was his dad, he whispered to me that he sounded upset..a few seconds later he collapsed onto the toilet seat and my heart immediately sank. I stood there with my pulse racing just watching his beautiful face grow sadder with every word. The tears welled up and I held him, having no idea of what he was being told but knowing he needed to feel me. He hung up, took a deep breath and whispered two words that will forever resound in my soul "Holden died." I can't explain the overwhelming feelings of the minutes or even hours after. I just held him as close and as tightly as I could. We stayed up most the night after that on the phone with Red Cross to get home, talking to family, leaving messages for his Chief and work. I care not to share the details of his untimely passing, please respect that. It's been so long since either one of us has seen him, that guilt will never fade. I keep telling myself as I take drags of this cigarette, that it's not real, it's all a horrible wretched dream. I can't bring myself to believe that there are people posting on his facebook "Rest in peace, you will be missed" speaking of him in the past tense! My heart breaks, it is heavy and sad for my husband, for myself, for our family. I am torn up inside that he will never meet his miracle niece, he would be such a great uncle!I am heartbroken, angry even that I will have to tell our daughter "Your uncle passed when you were just a baby." Holden, you beautiful crazy silly boy...I love you. When I picture you in my head I still see that 13 year old kid with the unruly red curls and ridiculous sense of humor. It didn't matter what you said, I laughed. Your accents, impressions, faces, jokes...they will always be apart of me. You did so many silly and so many amazing things in your young life. I could write for hours of the lives you touched, the people you made laugh, the memories forever in my heart. I know you are taking your rightful place in Heaven and that in itself puts me at peace, if only for a moment. Life is a fragile gift, never to be taken for granted. Cherish those you hold dear and even those you don't. Take a moment to look around at the people in your life, the love, the blessings... today may be the last day you will be able to.