Starting Over

  I've come to the realization that in times of high stress I tend to channel Scarlet O'Hara. Fiddle Dee Dee, I'll think about it tomorrow. And you know what? It works for me. I know eventually I will have to face the reality of the situation at hand, but in those first few weeks when the wound is fresh and everyone else is falling apart I do pretty well in keeping it together. Every once in a while those repressed thoughts and feelings find their way in but I quickly shake them off and continue about my day. I have to be strong my girl, she's one hell of a fighter and I can't let her see me sweat. I can't think about how much I miss her laugh, her smile or how excited she got when it was meal/snack time. I can't think about how we will have to start completely over with therapy to gain back the amazing trunk/head control she had, the rolling, the verge of army crawling, the sitting...all that hard work, the blood, sweat and tears it took us to get her to that point...gone. I want my Nay Nay back. I absolutely hate seeing her just laying around, she was so active and silly. She's a shell of herself right now and I hate not knowing how long/if ever we will get her back to the Nay she was before. Benjamin said it best when we were talking "She could get up and start walking for all I care, I just want HER." I 1000% agree. Before we got smiles and reassurance our girl was still in there, she was improving physically but mentally was taking some time. I can't even begin to explain to you how disheartening it is to see your once glowing, playful, silly, smiley, wiggle worm of a toddler laying expressionless and still for hours that turn into days, days into weeks. Until we learned she had suffered several strokes in her cerebellum, we were just lost. We didn't understand what was taking her so long to wake up. She would just lay there...even when the nurses put IVs in or pulled tape off her skin, things that would usually take three of them to do, she didn't flinch, didn't grimace....just...nothing. But, like I said...I can't think about that. Fiddle Dee Dee!

   I can't thank you enough for the tremendous amount of love and support we've received this month. The sweet messages, words of encouragement, help with the baby, generous gifts...all of it has made this a little easier to stomach. We are in a whole new world of special needs parenting and have a lot to learn with the g-tube care, rehabilitation and finding our new normal. We've got a long road to recovery filled with appointments and therapy and even longer one to acceptance and healing. We are starting over.